Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
