My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
