I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
