WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
