I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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