You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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