so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
