Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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