My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
