She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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