This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
