she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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