My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
