mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
