You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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