my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
