You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
