Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
