its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
do herpes really smell.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
