fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
