I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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