I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
