I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
