I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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