By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
