Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize