After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Found the puke drawer
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
