Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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