New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
