She announced her abortion via fbk
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
