To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
