Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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