Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
