life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
