we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
