i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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