his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She's the barista slut.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
