I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
porn star boner night. come get it.
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I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
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you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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