the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
