Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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