well I can't set my house on fire every night
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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