dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
