I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
im about as happy as oj after his trial
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
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i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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