i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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