You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
