I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
