in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
