Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
