when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
