Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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