Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Randomize
