The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
