then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
