It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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